By the third trimester, about 75% of people report a loss of sexual desire, while between 83 and 100% report less frequent sexual activity (De Judicibus & McCabe, 2002).
So, If sex feels different after having a baby, you’re not alone.
Questions like “When can we have sex again?”, “Why don’t I feel interested?”, and “Will things ever go back to normal?” are incredibly common.
Understanding what changes are normal—and when it may help to seek support—can make this transition easier for both you and your partner.
When can we have sex again?
First of all, it’s recommended that you wait about two weeks after delivery before having intercourse because there is some risk of infection or hemorrhage (Hyde & Delamater, 2011). That doesn’t mean you can’t do other sexual activities, but you may not want to.
There’s a lot to worry about when you bring a baby home – feedings, changing diapers, sleeping, playing, and keeping the baby safe. It’s easy to lose sight of the union that created the baby: you and your partner. Should you have sex right away? Is it normal not to want it?
Why don’t I want to have sex after having a baby?
There are several reasons why sex may feel less important or less appealing after having a baby:
- Fatigue from interrupted sleep
- Physical recovery from childbirth
- Hormonal changes
- Breastfeeding
- The demands of caring for a newborn
Some people also notice changes in body image, mood, or their emotional connection with their partner during this transition.
For many couples, intimacy returns gradually rather than all at once.
What's normal?
In the month after birth, only about 17% of couples have intercourse, while by the fourth month, 90% of couples have resumed intercourse (Hyde & Delamater, 2011).
Couples start enjoying intercourse gradually after birth, with a small amount enjoying it after two weeks, while 67-80% enjoy it at around twelve weeks after birth (De Judicibus & McCabe, 2002).
So, if you’re not having intercourse right away, you’re in the majority, and you may not start wanting it or enjoying it until 3-4 months after delivery.
That’s totally normal!
It might actually be a time that you can try other sexual activities that don’t involve intercourse (more on that later).
But what factors cause some couples to re-engage quicker than others?
What makes sex after baby challenging?
There are at least six factors studied by researchers that are related to less sexual desire after childbirth (De Judicibus & McCabe, 2002).
As mentioned, it can be difficult to adjust to the role of being a mother, marital satisfaction can change, while fatigue, physical changes, breast-feeding, and mood are also issues.
Adjusting to parenthood limits your social life and sleep, while also making it difficult to take care of yourself. There’s also a lot of research that shows how difficult a baby can be on a relationship (De Judicibus & McCabe, 2002).
Add those stresses to overall fatigue, soreness due to limited lubrication, and evidence that breastfeeding reduces sexual desire, and you have a recipe for limited sexual desire and frequency.
So, it’s pretty normal to not want much sex after birth, and there are lots of good reasons for that.
Still, there’s one last big factor that deserves special attention — mood.
Post-partum depression and sexual intimacy
About 35-40% of women experience some depressive symptoms after childbirth, while it is estimated that around 10% of women suffer from more severe symptoms and have post-partum depression (De Judicibus & McCabe, 2002).
There can be a loss of identity and personal space, as well as feelings of not fulfilling expectations in addition to the normal challenges of adapting to a baby (Edhborg et. al., 2005).
But, how do you know if you have post-partum depression and not just the fairly typical less severe form of depression?
Symptoms of sadness, anxiety, low energy, reduced sexual desire, irritability, crying episodes, and changes in sleeping and eating patterns would need to be present for at least two weeks to meet the criteria.
In extreme cases, thoughts of homicide or suicide can also be present. A good rule of thumb is that if you have these symptoms on most days for two weeks, you should see your physician or psychologist to talk.
Some research has found that maintaining a healthy marital relationship where parenting is shared helps with post-partum depression.
On the other hand, research also says that it’s important to challenge perfectionist expectations of motherhood and talk about feelings (Edhborg et. al., 2005).
So, that’s a couple of specific things related to depression, but what else can you do to manage less sex?
What can I do about it?
Remember: the changes in your desire and intimacy don’t mean there’s anything wrong with you.
In the weeks and months after childbirth, intimacy may look different than it did before.
Sexual connection doesn’t have to involve intercourse or vaginal contact, and if you’re breastfeeding, you may also find that nipple play feels less appealing than it once did.
This can be a good time to explore other ways of connecting physically and emotionally. Some couples focus on activities such as massages, cuddling, kissing, or simply spending intentional time together (Hyde & DeLamater, 2011). If intercourse is uncomfortable, using additional lubrication may also help.
For most couples, a return to their previous sexual routines happens gradually. Research suggests that many people don’t feel fully back to their pre-pregnancy sexual activities until around four months after childbirth, and sometimes longer (De Judicibus & McCabe, 2002).
It’s also important to pay attention to your emotional well-being and your relationship during this transition. Make time to nurture your connection with your partner, communicate openly about your experiences, and talk to your doctor if feelings of sadness, anxiety, or low mood begin interfering with daily life for more than two weeks.
Take Home Messages
It’s normal for sex, desire, and intimacy to change after having a baby. Fatigue, recovery, breastfeeding, changing roles, and mood can all affect how you experience intimacy in the weeks and months after childbirth. These challenges are common and don’t mean there’s anything wrong with you or your relationship.
Be mindful of your mental health, communicate openly with your partner, and give yourself time to adjust. If concerns about intimacy, mood, or your relationship continue to feel overwhelming, professional support can help.